Ten-Nil! Oh… Tenille? Ohhhhh Tenille.

Can someone explain the name Tenille to me?  Scrap that. Googled it.  Means ‘light’, and is of Celtic or African origins. Celtic and African – pretty closely related cultures those… How?

What are the hell are you talking about, Chris?

Well, I got back from the gym tonight, cooked up some fish and veggies, switched on the TV, and tuned into the second half of tonight’s episode of Australian Bachelor.  From there I watched a beautiful young woman go on a (somewhat contrived) date with our hero singleton, Nick.  Contrived??? The Bachelor?  No way!!!  They rode on a Harley Davidson, they messed around with some bee hives, and then Nick pretended not to look when Tenille spat out the beeswax.  Tenille knew exactly what she was doing when she told the camera afterwards that she’d pulled off a sneaky spit.  Dirty girl, Tenille.

Is this what we’re calling entertainment nowadays?  Because if we are, it’s bloody brilliant.  And it’s bloody sick.  Watching 15 attractive women battle it out for a man’s attention in a competitive, choreographed, controlled and completely monitored environment is riveting viewing for some reason.  It’s also a bit disturbing.

Anyway, back to the action: Young Tenille, high on life after smooching the dashing, heavily moustachioed Nick, comes back to the villa/mansion/country pile, and proceeds to what any sane person would do:  Tells, no, GUSHES, every single aspect of her date and intimate snog-fest to her love rivals.  She even acts out the way in which they kiss, and then moaned after the kiss.  SOFT CORE!

Makes perfect sense: GET IN THEIR HEADS TENILLE! MESS WITH THEIR CONFIDENCE.

The problem Tenille has, is that in a previous episode she categorically stated she would not kiss someone who had been dating and lip smacking a bunch of other girls.  One third of the Queen Bitch Club, Romy (my unfortunate selection in the office sweepstakes), sees her opportunity to fight back after Tenille’s goading, and seizes it.

From here Romy sets about dismantling poor, sweet Tenille’s character in a brutal, almost professional manner.  It’s almost like Romy works in fashion and has learnt how to play the game.  Oh hang on, Romy does work in fashion.  Who let a professional in the house???

Tenille can’t handle Romy’s expert assassination and runs off into the woods, alone and despairing.  Except she’s not alone and despairing, she’s followed by another of the girls,  who repeatedly pleads with her to stop and talk to her.  She must have wailed “Stop running” about 17 times.  It didn’t work the first three times, love, just shut up and keep up.  Or join a gym.  Of course the other girl is not alone in chasing Tenille, because there’s an army of camera men, sound guys, and production assistants galloping after her, keen not to miss this reality TV gold.

And that’s exactly what it is.  It’s gold. It’s a ratings booster.  Shows like this need meltdowns like this, because it gives them a short snippet of drama – to broadcast on repeat ahead of the show to guarantee better viewing figures. I guarantee Channel 4 were rubbing their grubby little hands with glee when Jade Goody (RIP) went all KKK on Bollywood star, Shilpa Shetty in the UK’s celebrity Big Brother.

Don’t worry about the fact it’s cashing in on another human being’s despair, just ignore your humanity as you sit in your concrete box, with your cold Ubereats dinner, cheap wine, the flickering screen beaming away in front of you.  Sit there, you pleb, and enjoy the drama.  Great isn’t it.  Oh look, Tenille is sobbing great big tears, she can’t stand this sick experiment she’s placed herself in.  Brilliant.  Now I feel better about how cold and crap this nutrient-deficient meal is. It could be worse, I could be Tenille, or even worse, Romy.

I have news for Tenille; that sick experiment is no worse than dating in the dating app era.  It’s just unfortunate for her that several million people are watching her plight.  It is, of course, still better than an Ubereats pizza delivery after 10pm.

BUT WAIT!

Tenille means light.

And with light comes hope.

The sneak preview of tomorrow’s episode suggests that the evil stepmother, Romy, may be getting her comeuppance for the opportunistic attack.  And if there’s one thing we like to witness more than a bitch fight, and a subsequent meltdown – it’s a baddie being taken down by the underdog.

Prediction TEN – NIL

Cancels Thursday plans…

Footnote:  Did you know you can subscribe to the blog to have it delivered to your email? Well you can!  Navigate to the homepage – link here – scroll to the bottom, enter your email and you’ll get no spam, just a tidy little notification from WordPress when a new piece is available to read.  I’d absolutely love it if you did this.

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